Wednesday, August 30, 2006


Ben and Jerry's Brownie Batter Ice Cream! The best medicine for a screaming uterus and an exploding pituitary gland. Who knew that frozen cow juice, brownie batter, and a bunch of other secret ingredients could temporarily spare the world of hormonal vitriol!

I'm going out to Ralph's to get some right now. RIGHT NOW, I said. Bye.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Rape of The Senses - Part Four

The first and last time I ever had Campari: I was at a graduate film student party in the East Village, chatting with some friends when a blondie Icelandic man with us caught my eye. He was definitely cute, but what really turned my crank was the glass of red fruity-looking goodness he was consuming.

"Mmmm... what on EARTH is that you're drinking?" I asked. (NOTE: Slurs omitted for reader comprehension.)

"Campari on the rocks," said he, over the lip of his glass.

"Oh? Is it good? It looks real yummy!"

"Yes, I have it all the time-- try it!"

I excitedly ordered my Campari on the rocks. I rubbed my hands together when the bartender placed a frosty ruby glass down on a drink mat. I raised it to my lips and closed my eyes, expecting to taste something like red Jellybabies.

It was like... parsley, but WORSE. To myself I screamed, "DON'T SWALLOW!!!!" but too late. The gag reflex activated; medulla oblongata had to do its thang.

I love drinking, you guys. Nowadays I only relish it in small doses... but Campari is a whole other breed of beverage that ought to go extinct. Times had to be real tough in 1860 for someone to come up with this twisted idea and to sell it to the masses. I wonder if it's the same dude who thought monkfish were fit for eating. Fancy that!

Friday, August 25, 2006


I have this page bookmarked... DO YOU?????

Thursday, August 24, 2006

"Would anyone like a jellybaby?"

I've been trying to hook people on DOCTOR WHO, and something that tends to puzzle newbies is the issue concerning the Fourth Doctor's deep-seated love for Jellybabies.

If you've never had a Jellybaby before, you will probably have a hard time catching the tiny colorful thing that the good Doctor extracts from a small white paper bag. He pops it into his mouth with much relish. It would be hard for you to fathom what the hell it is. It's not a gummy bear or a Sour Patch Kid... too big. What the hell is it???

Check 'em out here. And next time you find yourself in the UK, be sure to buy a bag. I don't care if you're on a diet, damn you. And yes, they ARE ugly. But that doesn't seem to stop the Doctor, and it sure as hell shouldn't stop you.

Rape of The Senses - Part Three

This is Ricotta, whom I like to refer to as Mamma Bear. I go in to take care of her and her litter of pups early in the morning for Glendale Humane Society. She's got a strong prey drive and goes nuts in Andersen's Pet Shop... among her most noteworthy exploits, she once managed to dart into a cage and nab a guinea pig, though she gave it back (still alive) when they yelled at her.

What does this cute cuddly Ewok-cum-Kritter Killer have to do with the third installment of "Rape of The Senses," you ask?

Her pups are just over six weeks old, and teething like crazy. Those little mouths are now lined with razor-sharp teeth, a la Pennywise the Clown. Enter their living area and they come bopping along and plant their chompers into your feet and ankles. And it's surprisingly painful! (I still have a red mark on my palm from Pepper Jack, the wildchild.)

Wondering what I did to deserve canine assault and battery, my eyes wandered to Ricotta, who had jumped into the puppy area. Immediately the pups left me to harass mum. They were still trying to suckle.

As bad as your day might be, thank your lucky stars that you don't have seven puppies dangling off your nipples by their razor-sharp teeth. (SHIVER ME TIMBERS!)

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Rape of The Senses - Part Deux

This is a monkfish.

What poor hungry bastard decided this thing was fit for eating??

The tail is the edible part, which I'm certain you all can figure out by rational deduction... because the rest of it is all mouth.

The upside: it is DELICIOUS!! yum schlurp! It was one of my favorite kinds of fish... TIL THE DAY I FOUND OUT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

Curse my curiosity! O why must I pluck the forbidden fruit from its tree!

Since that day, the light has gone from my eyes... as though I'd never seen a unicorn.

Rape of The Senses - Part One

Good idea: Eat cloves of garlic.
It's good for you!

Bad idea: Eat cloves of garlic the night before your early-morning gym class.
All the jumping and pumping makes it REALLY hard to hold those thick and spicy farts in.

Not that I've let one fly.
(keyword: YET)

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Back In Time

OMG... People check out the following shows on History Channel:

The Egyptian Book of the Dead
Strange Egypt
Life and Death in Rome

And apparently I have had my head up my ass for quite some time, for I have seen an advertisement for Season One of ROME, on DVD!!!!!!!!

Wow. My eyes are bleeding... and I just came in my pants!

An Equation to Contemplate

you + hunger + LA traffic -----> HOMICIDAL MANIAC