H E L G A B L O G

2010-09-14T00:08:00.000-07:00

2010-09-14T00:07:00.000-07:00

Ink Brush Fun

2007-06-06T23:07:00.001-07:00

Medusa Subdued

2007-04-02T09:33:00.000-07:00

Eyes sewn shut to protect the audience from the full force of her gaze!!

2007-03-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

Tvashtar Explodes!

2007-03-19T16:13:00.000-07:00

Photo from NASA!
On the Jovian moon Io:

2007-02-27T11:44:00.000-08:00

The Sexiest Sundae

2007-02-17T20:58:00.000-08:00

At lunch with coworkers at TOAST!

2007-01-17T12:37:00.000-08:00

This is what I see every morning as I walk out of my apartment to my car for work.

OW!

2007-01-16T21:34:00.000-08:00

What have I been up to tonight? Hurting myself, that's what!

I melted some yummy brie on bread in the toaster oven. I was so psyched about it that I took it out of the oven... and immediately chomped down on it. Much to my horror, the cheese was HOT and I could feel it burning cell layers off the roof of my mouth. The best part is, I couldn't get it off the roof of my mouth immediately, because, well, it's cheese.

Somehow I got through a meal without much issue... though for a while I could feel a piece of skin or whatever hanging off the roof of my mouth. Then I decided to hang my magnetic knife strip; instead of disturbing my neighbors at this time in the evening with power drilling, I resorted to good old-fashioned philips head screwing labor. Again, much to my horror, I found out the hard way that the wall is plaster; the screwdriver slipped off the screw (alas, I am left-handed, but had to do this with my right hand, which magnified the odds of mishap tenfold!) and stabbed my left hand, just above the second knuckle on the index finger. My hand was cold for a while and it didn't bleed all that much or all too quickly... but seeing the torn up skin was not fun at all!!!

Serves me right for doing this when I'm dead tired. I'm thinking the powers that be are telling me to go to bed before I hurt myself some more!!!!!

Updates

2007-01-06T01:38:00.000-08:00

It just occurred to me that I haven't written a whole lot of what's been happening of late!

Halloween was the first day I started working at a gourmet cheese shop in posh ole Silverlake. Just for the hell of it! Remember the cheeses and other yummies I had at Battle of Hastings? I had been at the shop that morning at 8:30 sharp, drooling all over the window. Somehow I wound up working there!

And then my folks came out to visit for two weeks, around Thanksgiving, and right after they left, I had to move! I stayed put in Glendale, closer to downtown and at the foot of the mountains, which is, by the way, a gorgeous neighborhood!! A lovely area to jog, hands down!

Then I proceeded with holiday basket mayhem... during my week of moving I stuck this up on the web: www.helgaware.com . Though it was the beginning of December and rather late to be embarking on holiday basket ventures, I decided to give it a go anyway. We sold six baskets through the cheese shop! But alas, I wound up going back to NY at the end of December, which ended my activities. BUT I already plan on sticking around for next Xmas, and hopefully I can get planning for 2007 baskets underway by June or July.

Yes, I DO start thinking of the baskets around summertime. Don't make that face!

This coming Tuesday I start working at Mike Young Productions with an AWESOME producer. I am befuddled at my crazy luck! I'll be a production coordinator on a Flash project... Mike Young is known as the Klasky-Csupo of today, being small but a great place to start out. I am SO FREAKIN' READY to plow my way into the west coast biz!! I don't think I had the chance to do that at Nickelodeon so much, because I was confined to the timing department and either too busy or just too damn shy to meet anyone. My job there didn't require me to deal with people... it was quite the opposite!! And then you know, there's something to be said of stepping away from something and coming back to it later with a fresh perspective. I now know what it's like to work a crappy retail job (though my "crappy" retail job is really loads of fun! But that's partly because I know I won't be doing it forever, methinks!) and I know that I am able to do a lot of different things... if I don't know how to do something at first, I learn it the best I can and move forward. Simple as that. Making those baskets this year was also the very first time in YEARS that I've actually done this creative stuff without worrying whether or not something would come out great or awful. I didn't think about the end product, I just focused on the process and enjoyed myself and wow, gee, it all came out real great anyway! What a breath of fresh air!

I will actually miss my crappy retail job at Say Cheese... though I will continue working Saturdays for the next month. My boss was so awesome about it, even though I'm drastically cutting back my hours on such short notice. If I want to continue working Saturdays, he won't stop me, said he! The staff is a fun bunch, and even if things get really really crazy busy, we keep our heads on our shoulders for the most part... if tempers flare at all, we laugh it off later! It's been a great lesson in patience and keeping your cool. Neither of these things were ever my forte, but I'd say it's gotten better after having been at the shop! And um, I know a lot of super-tasty-chichi cheeses now. At least, WAY more than I knew going in!

On top of the new job, I will be doing a website for the cheese shop (I had a chat with the owner about it before the holidays, so I'll do up a little something for him to show...) and a website for my parents' business. I am loathe to think of it; just want to get it done!

Alas, my eyelids droop, for it is late and it has been one long-ass day. zzz........

RETURN OF KIMCHI AND BLUE...

2007-01-06T01:35:00.000-08:00

Remember this? (If not, go back to the September archive...)

It is currently IN TRANSIT towards my home. Got that?

HA! KIMCHI AND BLUE, I NOW OWN YOU!!!!

Forgive Me Father, for I Have Sinned!

2006-12-15T14:04:00.000-08:00

I had McDonald's four times this past week. I LOVE DRIVE-THRU!!!!!!!!!!!! Wasn't it great to go to drive-thrus as a kid and place an order with that talking box, and somehow the food would be ready on the other side???

So after my latest McDonald's meal (SUPERSIZED!!!!) I honked down on some coconut cake I took home from the cheese shop. With coffee.

And then I had impulsively gotten a stick of Oh Boy! Oberto beef jerky. Or to be more precise, "Smoked Sausage Snack Made with Chicken & Pork." Worse still, I bought it from a hardware store... not someplace like a 7-11 where truckers come by and regularly pluck these sticks off the rack. It was in the neighborhood store where it has probably sat for a year or two, in perfect suspended animation.

But that was where I drew the line. I bit into it expecting it to have a firm resistant consistency, that snap you get from a Slim Jim. But it was kinda soft. Ew!

And now I'm feeling slightly ill from the chemicals in me belly... oh boy!!!!

MOVING SUCKS!!!!

2006-12-07T23:41:00.000-08:00

I just turned my DSL modem back on just to make this clear... Moving sucks, particularly when you're on a budget, for the following reasons:

1. Lifting heavy boxes all day has killed the muscles in my forearms and lower back.
2. I'm eating kimchee with a knife, because my forks and chopsticks are at my new apt.
3. Worse still, I am eating kimchee with a knife off A PIECE OF ALUMINUM FOIL because my plates are all at the apartment or just sitting dirty in the sink. For crying out loud, people!!!! My grandparents are rolling in their graves.
4. Packing has deprived me of sleep in the past 3 nights. I was giddy at work today and barely managed to wrap gift boxes with cellophane and ribbon without going bonkers.
5. All the dust kicked up by my move has irritated my allergies.
6. I just want to sleep rather than deal with the last-minute bullshit of packing.
7. My DSL service at my new apt won't kick in til after the weekend. "WHAT?!" I cried when the customer rep at AT&T told me that. "Well, there's always dial-up," she said in consolation. AS IF!!!!!!!

There's plenty more I can bitch about but time and energy are both highly lacking!!!! Simply put, I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!! NYAH!!!!

Gastronomical Smut-Kaleidoscope

2006-11-03T01:43:00.000-08:00

Stung by the muse of pornography (by her glowing dildo of alabaster)!

Puppet Show

2006-11-02T00:24:00.000-08:00

Build your characters with:

and

(from the twisted mind of Mr. Duke)

A Real Tomato!

2006-10-24T14:21:00.000-07:00

Of Spain. Sent by my brother (he's holding it in the pic) and his wife Paula!

Battle Party!

2006-10-17T08:32:00.000-07:00

Battle of Hastings 2006 was a success! Many thanks to everyone who made it so fantabulous! You are all wonderful company!! Some of you asked if this was going to be an annual thing... I've been thinking about it! Any votes??

We had a spread with some DELICIOUS cheeses!

Fromage de Meaux (a brie to die for)
a five-year-old Gouda
a one-year-old Manchego
a Spanish goat cheese coated with white and black pepper
a sheep and goat cheese from the French Pyrenees

And there were madeleines, and macaroons, and olives (Greek black and green herb olives... and the most popular were the sardine-stuffed olives-- OOPS! Did I forget to tell you guys those had sardines in them?? :-) ) and wine-soaked salami and chorizo and fruits... And let's not forget the fantastic blackberry cobbler made with plenty of TLC by Ryan and Korrin, brought piping hot and fresh from the oven!!!!

Sadly there aren't many photos of the party itself... but I did document the set-up and the cleanliness of the apartment, as I obsessed over these things for two weeks before the party!

And here's Rick the Killer:

Not-So-Jolly Mood

2006-10-08T23:41:00.000-07:00

This is a bonafide WHITE HAIR I discovered today as I ran some pomeade into my hair. AUGH!

Oddly, I don't feel too bad about it... or maybe it's just denial. In any case, I scanned it out of reverence, or the amount of reverence I imagine would be fitting for such a discovery. (I subsequently discarded it, though I did consider placing it in an empty matchbox...)

I also have a HUGE pimple on my nose that started forming on Friday and has continued to grow... I tried popping it tonight but it STILL hasn't formed fully... it is a dull yet exquisite pain, and I cannot stop touching it... (Salad Fingers, anyone?) You guys will hear my gleeful scream when I do pop it, no matter where you are at the time. I guarantee it.

Oysters

2006-10-05T12:27:00.000-07:00

I suddenly had a massive craving for oysters on the halfshell... mmmmmmmmm!

It got me thinking about seafood and how some people don't like it. I used to HATE seafood, ESPECIALLY anything raw i.e. oysters. But then suddenly it all changed, I guess around 19-20.

I just thought about eating an oyster (with tobasco sauce!!!! NYAH!!!!) and wondered what the experience must be like for someone who'd never had an oyster until adulthood. And that got me wondering why I like them at all. They're squishy and the thought of a faceless bivalve mollusk sliding around on your tongue is terribly unappealing. I mean, wow, really, I'd probably puke if I never had one earlier, or if I wasn't well-acquainted with other members of Phylum Mollusca.

But it isn't the texture that does it (of course). It's the salty sea water that covers these guys in their halfshells that drives me wazoo. The taste of an oyster makes me think of the taste of the sea. It kinda kicks in this olefactory sensation of the smell of sea breeze and lapping waves. Yummm. All of that in one little half of a shell. Who woulda thunkit!

Bless my old husk of a heart...

2006-10-04T10:03:00.000-07:00

Check out this little movie clip Helen sent me. Vikings, Rock, and Voltron!!!! What could beat that?

Thank the gods for Magnetic Poetry...

2006-10-04T00:49:00.000-07:00

...the dirty series in particular.

Observe:

Oh yes, there will be more of these pithy pornographic lines in the future. For I am unemployed.

Tino Loves You

2006-10-03T00:32:00.000-07:00

Do you need any more proof of this?

F*-ed Up Dreams

2006-09-30T21:10:00.000-07:00

Some of you guys out there dream quite often. Some not so much. And then the rest of yous don't remember your dreams AT ALL. You poor guys. Sometimes dreams can be a little Too Much Info but it's nice to have a few every now and then to keep things interesting!!

It all reminds me of Barb's Myspace headline quote: "Do you want to live a safe life, or an authentic one?" LOL.

For those of you looking for a thrill, I HIGHLY recommend Neil Gaiman's The Sandman comics. I'd been meaning to read these for several years now and FINALLY got around to it. I've been keeping them on my night table and reading at least one issue every night before bed for the past week or so.

This, my friends, is how you get really messed up dreams!!

Nevermind the hormone factor. To illustrate my point, I have included a picture of The Corinthian, a creature who originated from the world of dreams:

Yes, those ARE teeth in his eye sockets.

Someone was so inspired by this character that he/she decided to do a digital photo of the character. I thought it was pretty rad-tacular:

So fucked up, but so great!!!!!!

KIMCHI & COOKIES

2006-09-27T23:58:00.000-07:00

I spoke to them folks again at Pasadena Urban Outfitters and the guy in the receiving department told me they had just shipped their Kimchi and Blue Rib Yoke Tunics back to the vendor!!

"But someone in your store said you guys didn't receive that item yet from Burbank!"

"Well, we just did what Burbank did-- we sent 'em back to the vendor. Something was wrong with them."

I explained to him what kind of disaster this spelled for my twisted world.

"You can call our Valley Village location to see if they still have any of their stock left," he suggested, giving me the number.

I called Valley Village in a tizzy.

"I"m sorry, we just - "

"I know I know, sent them back to the vendor."

"That's right."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" (in the fashion of Anakin Skywalker-just-turned-Darth-Vader when he finds out what happened to Padme)

"Yeah. They were defective-- they get holes in them pretty easily."

I relaxed. Why would I want to pay to wear swiss cheese?

So now I am quite happily munching on a plateful of these:

I'd made some with Adam last night when he came over (he very kindly brought over Crash on DVD for me to keep, it was an AWESOME movie and you guys have to see it!) and we polished off all but two cookies... which went down my big ole hatch this morning. And guess what? I made another batch which I am currently consuming now as a quasi dinner!!!!

PMS is crazy and we gals have EVERY RIGHT to be bitchy at this time. No Ifs, Ands, or Buts.

ps I want spicy noodles now... and kimchi for reals.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE - THE KIMCHI & BLUE SAGA

2006-09-27T12:00:00.000-07:00

I ordered a bunch of stuff from UrbanOutfitters.com last week. Took forever to get a shipping confirmation because a few items were put on backorder. One of them being the super gray tunic pictured below:

I rang up customer service today to inquire about my order and the woman mentioned something that brought my heart to a dead stop for 2 seconds AND gave me the sudden urge to pee:

"...And the Kimchi and Blue Rib Yoke Tunic in charcoal heather gray has been cancelled."

"Excuse me?"

"Cancelled. It's sold out."

"WHAT?!"

I got off the phone thinking my life is done for this fall and winter if I cannot have Kimchi & Blue's super cool yoke tunic in charcoal heather gray. Even if I'm not a fabulously tall stick-thin blonde.

Then it occurred to me that the stores would probably still have them in stock. I rang up Burbank. "We just sent all of our stock on that item to the Pasadena location," the chick said.

I rang up Pasadena. "We haven't received that item yet... if Burbank sent it out yesterday it could arrive later today, or no later than Friday."

The chase is on! TO BE CONTINUED...

Mr. Winkle

2006-09-27T11:54:00.000-07:00

On any other day this blog would have no place for something so cute and cuddly and absurd!

Check out Mr. Winkle. I'm mostly a fan of his calendar... there's a picture of him in a cauliflower patch! lol his tagline is "What is Mr. Winkle?"

Spooning

2006-09-21T17:05:00.000-07:00

Was condensing my huge pile of backup cds and came across this photo of the unspeakable:

It was from the Maya and Miguel days, when it was just me and Captain OE as production assistants... I had named my stapler Jaws and hers was Clifford, for it was big and red.

I looked at Jaws and Clifford one day and started laughing hard.

"What?" said Kathy, giving me a puzzled look.

I just unfolded Clifford and Jaws and arranged them thus so. "They're spooning," I gasped between guffaws. She bust out laughing!

And then I placed a staple remover near them. Captain OE dutifully drew a pair of eyes on it. Junior, watching Mom and Dad spooning... or doing something else!

Fiddle Farts.

2006-09-21T09:23:00.000-07:00

My workout this morning consisted of going over to Burbank World Gym... and then back.

The gods don't want me to stay trim!!

After being down and out with a cold for about 2 weeks (I was still blowing my nose til yesterday) I finally decided to get my ass to the gym. The instructor at my local gym is still on vacation til next week (I CAN'T WAIT til she comes back!) so I finally got up the energy to get my ass kicked at a spinning class in Burbank.

I'd thought about calling in to confirm the schedule last night, but I looked at the paper copy I had and it said, "effective August." I figured they're on a seasonal schedule and weren't likely to change...

And of course I get there at 8:15am on the dot for an 8:30 class... and they'd switched the schedule around, because of the start of the school year. "It was at 7 this morning... so you just missed it," said the blondie receptionist, biting her lip. She offered to let me work out... but I wore my crap sneakers, planning to don my purty cycling shoes for class. "You can spin on your own if you'd like," she then said, but I didn't have my ipod headphones!! Not to mention, my low frustration tolerance kicked in, and I lost my hard-on for a workout.

MRANH!!

On a happier note, I did get a gourmet little heart rate monitor... feast your eyes on the women's Polar F11:

It measures your heart rate, figures out how many calories you've burned, records your heart rate during workouts and graphs them, you can wear it in the water AND MORE! A mini personal trainer, but smaller, prettier and it doesn't yell at you like some Tony Little.

I'll let y'all know how it is... WHENEVER I GET A CHANCE TO TRY IT OUT. Dammit. Hopefully that will be at spinning class that I know for a fact will be at 6am tomorrow morning. That's right. The ass-crack of dawn. HAZZAH!!!!

OMG...

2006-09-19T12:37:00.000-07:00

... My ex from freshman year of college is MARRIED. Soooooo weeiiiiirrrdd!!!

Yeah thanks Myspace. Sometimes there are things you just don't wanna know but are curious to know, but are better off not knowing!

I exaggerate of course-- I haven't spoken to my ex in over five years, and they look happy together and they're a very nice couple, so I hear from Abel who was present at the wedding!

But it's freakin' weird... we knew Jess (the bride) when we were all freshmen and she was dating someone else while I was dating Geoff... imagine my surprise when I found out they were dating in the later half of our years at NYU! And needless to say, things didn't end too well between me and Geoff, though we were stupid 19-year-olds with our heads up our asses!

What made me look him up? I was at an NYU alum thing at the Academy of Television in North Hollywood last week and caught a glimpse of them coming out of the screening of Oliver Stone's 9/11 film. I knew they'd come out to CA to live and work, but did not yet know they were married! I pretended not to see them and avoided them, and I'm sure they did the same. Knowing they'd been together for a while, I got curious!

All personal shit aside, I wish 'em a happy one. I think I'm mostly weirded out by the fact that they are my contemporaries. It's becoming a stronger trend as time passes....

Seasons

2006-09-16T10:31:00.000-07:00

I can't imagine what it must be like to live without seasons. Even if there's something dastardly inconvenient about winter and summer in particular, there's always something that will make their absence felt.

The mornings and evenings have grown quite cool here... it's so nice to roll over in bed in the morning and peel the covers back and feel it lift the heat off your skin. After the summer heat waves in the Valley it is a welcome change!

And the school buses have started roaring on the streets again, which bring to mind the smell of new notebooks and shiny pens and pencils neatly arranged in a row. It was always a treat to walk home from the first day of school with a list of supplies to get for class, to have an excuse to splurge at the drug store (particularly in the pre-Staples/Office Max era)... This manic sensation I have for Back-To-School fever is probably what's keeping me sane at the moment, ironically enough!

I definitely miss the leaves turning, and falling down to leave behind those bare hungry branches of winter. I got to see it last year before leaving NY, but definitely won't be around for it this time around!

Bionic Arm

2006-09-14T09:19:00.000-07:00

WHOA! Rad or what?

Sex Bears

2006-09-13T14:22:00.000-07:00

Yes, you read that right. The stupidest thing but for some reason I'm laughing my ass off!! Check it out.

The Red Bastard

2006-09-11T23:37:00.000-07:00

I was sitting on the crapper today, ruminating on the things I miss about New York. And suddenly I bolted upright as one thought pierced my skull: THE RED BASTARD.

My New York people, if you haven't seen this guy, look up his next performances and check him out ASAP! If you don't, you will never touch that golden apex of self-actualization atop Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. He usually haunts the improv comedy venues, he performs with other artists. His act is pretty short, but VERY memorable!!!!

To the non-New Yorkais, if you EVER go to NY, be sure to hunt him down. It will be so worthwhile!

Asians Say the Darndest Things

2006-09-11T22:11:00.000-07:00

Look what I got!!!!! A gift from Catia. CREAM COLLON!!! Brought to you by Glico, the makers of POCKY. Out of all the words in the English language, they had to bring together "cream" and "collon [sic]" to name their little tube-shaped cream-filled cookies!!

I was so excited over this box that I shall keep for years to come!! I will be sure to keep love letters in it, and other heartfelt correspondences... that's right. Deep inside my yellow Collon!! Like a desperate Columbian drug trafficker!

If you look closely, Catia drew little kitty faces on the cookies. LOL!!! Thanks sweetie, you made my day!!!!!

Rape of The Senses: The Final Installment

2006-09-10T23:43:00.000-07:00

I've been down and out with laryngitis for the past few days.

More importantly, the nose goblins have set up camp.

What the hell is a nose goblin? The closest thing I can come to describing them would be the oversized Slimer-esque creatures featured in the Mucinex commercials - see above. (Incidentally, I am taking Mucinex to hack up the sludgies, which at present resemble Brach's butterscotch candies when I deposit them in the sink. Bet you were dying to know that!)

What does one associate with nose goblins? You got it. GOOPETY WUMP-NUGGETS. Nose goblins leave goopety wump-nuggets of a special kind when they set up camp. Clearing out the goopety wump-nuggets is like trying to clean an oil spill in the sea.

As though that weren't bad enough, once the G.W.Ns are gone, you've got a good ole shock to your olefactory nerves. Smells and scents hit you like it's your first time smelling them. This might be great, were it not for the fact that I have some raw kale salad from Whole Foods that's been good for my health, but giving me some funky poo. The firm, fatigues-green sluggish kind that comes out in small doses. As though the sight and sensation weren't enough, I know the day will soon come when my olefactory nerves will rue their freedom from the goopety wump-nuggets. Because I had gotten a LARGE raw kale salad that will last for quite some time....

The End of the World

2006-09-04T02:42:00.000-07:00

First Steve Irwin... and then Jesus Camp.

It's only 2:30am, but already it is a black, black day.

Argh!!

2006-09-03T13:14:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to go in to Andersen's this morning to help Alyce feed them pups. But I overslept! Grah!! I was sooo embarrassed. It's not like I'd been out late partying-- nothing like that in the least! Just went to bed by midnight, woke up around 4 and couldn't fall back asleep right away.

I don't even remember the alarms going off (I use TWO when I have to be up for something the next day-- my bedside clock AND my cell phone!!)! I just woke up to roll over contentedly in bed... and then I noticed the daylight outside seemed strange... it was not 6:30am daylight. It was ten to nine!!!!

What made this particularly bad was that I had planned to feed the pups in the morning, and then I was going to head over to GHS to mentor any volunteers and to walk some doggies.

A quick e-mail check confirmed that I had two volunteers coming at 9!!

A rough morning was had, and it was hot as hell!! A quick stop to the Coffee Bean (or Grind, if you're Miss Tiffany Tejeda) at the end of it all chased it away. Mmmm. Large iced coffee with a scoop of white chocolate. I'm still schlurping on the straw even though it's just melted ice at the bottom.

Smell My Fingers...

2006-09-01T12:20:00.000-07:00

... for they reek of Wellness White Fish and Sweet Potato dog food. YICK!

Ricotta went home yesterday, leaving her pups behind at Andersen's. They've been super energetic since Mamma Bear left! I stepped into their gated area and set their food down on the floor. They danced in their food as they ate, and then they proceeded to yank on my socks, coating them in Wellness sweet potato and fish! I had to take off my socks before putting my shoes back on.

I went in for an echocardiogram for a heart murmur my doctor found! It was amazing to watch my heart on the monitor. You could see the valves flapping in the chambers and the aorta and everything. The human body is an incredible piece of engineering! No wonder why so many things could go wrong with it! Like smelly fingers.

Rx

2006-08-30T21:45:00.000-07:00

Ben and Jerry's Brownie Batter Ice Cream! The best medicine for a screaming uterus and an exploding pituitary gland. Who knew that frozen cow juice, brownie batter, and a bunch of other secret ingredients could temporarily spare the world of hormonal vitriol!

I'm going out to Ralph's to get some right now. RIGHT NOW, I said. Bye.

Rape of The Senses - Part Four

2006-08-27T17:34:00.000-07:00

The first and last time I ever had Campari: I was at a graduate film student party in the East Village, chatting with some friends when a blondie Icelandic man with us caught my eye. He was definitely cute, but what really turned my crank was the glass of red fruity-looking goodness he was consuming.

"Mmmm... what on EARTH is that you're drinking?" I asked. (NOTE: Slurs omitted for reader comprehension.)

"Campari on the rocks," said he, over the lip of his glass.

"Oh? Is it good? It looks real yummy!"

"Yes, I have it all the time-- try it!"

I excitedly ordered my Campari on the rocks. I rubbed my hands together when the bartender placed a frosty ruby glass down on a drink mat. I raised it to my lips and closed my eyes, expecting to taste something like red Jellybabies.

It was like... parsley, but WORSE. To myself I screamed, "DON'T SWALLOW!!!!" but too late. The gag reflex activated; medulla oblongata had to do its thang.

I love drinking, you guys. Nowadays I only relish it in small doses... but Campari is a whole other breed of beverage that ought to go extinct. Times had to be real tough in 1860 for someone to come up with this twisted idea and to sell it to the masses. I wonder if it's the same dude who thought monkfish were fit for eating. Fancy that!

Greco-Erotika

2006-08-25T16:25:00.000-07:00

I have this page bookmarked... DO YOU?????

"Would anyone like a jellybaby?"

2006-08-24T19:02:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to hook people on DOCTOR WHO, and something that tends to puzzle newbies is the issue concerning the Fourth Doctor's deep-seated love for Jellybabies.

If you've never had a Jellybaby before, you will probably have a hard time catching the tiny colorful thing that the good Doctor extracts from a small white paper bag. He pops it into his mouth with much relish. It would be hard for you to fathom what the hell it is. It's not a gummy bear or a Sour Patch Kid... too big. What the hell is it???

Check 'em out here. And next time you find yourself in the UK, be sure to buy a bag. I don't care if you're on a diet, damn you. And yes, they ARE ugly. But that doesn't seem to stop the Doctor, and it sure as hell shouldn't stop you.

Rape of The Senses - Part Three

2006-08-24T11:45:00.000-07:00

This is Ricotta, whom I like to refer to as Mamma Bear. I go in to take care of her and her litter of pups early in the morning for Glendale Humane Society. She's got a strong prey drive and goes nuts in Andersen's Pet Shop... among her most noteworthy exploits, she once managed to dart into a cage and nab a guinea pig, though she gave it back (still alive) when they yelled at her.

What does this cute cuddly Ewok-cum-Kritter Killer have to do with the third installment of "Rape of The Senses," you ask?

Her pups are just over six weeks old, and teething like crazy. Those little mouths are now lined with razor-sharp teeth, a la Pennywise the Clown. Enter their living area and they come bopping along and plant their chompers into your feet and ankles. And it's surprisingly painful! (I still have a red mark on my palm from Pepper Jack, the wildchild.)

Wondering what I did to deserve canine assault and battery, my eyes wandered to Ricotta, who had jumped into the puppy area. Immediately the pups left me to harass mum. They were still trying to suckle.

As bad as your day might be, thank your lucky stars that you don't have seven puppies dangling off your nipples by their razor-sharp teeth. (SHIVER ME TIMBERS!)

Rape of The Senses - Part Deux

2006-08-23T22:30:00.000-07:00

This is a monkfish.

What poor hungry bastard decided this thing was fit for eating??

The tail is the edible part, which I'm certain you all can figure out by rational deduction... because the rest of it is all mouth.

The upside: it is DELICIOUS!! yum schlurp! It was one of my favorite kinds of fish... TIL THE DAY I FOUND OUT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

Curse my curiosity! O why must I pluck the forbidden fruit from its tree!

Since that day, the light has gone from my eyes... as though I'd never seen a unicorn.

Rape of The Senses - Part One

2006-08-23T08:03:00.000-07:00

Good idea: Eat cloves of garlic.
It's good for you!

Bad idea: Eat cloves of garlic the night before your early-morning gym class.
All the jumping and pumping makes it REALLY hard to hold those thick and spicy farts in.

Not that I've let one fly.
(keyword: YET)

Back In Time

2006-08-22T23:48:00.000-07:00

OMG... People check out the following shows on History Channel:

The Egyptian Book of the Dead
Strange Egypt
Life and Death in Rome

And apparently I have had my head up my ass for quite some time, for I have seen an advertisement for Season One of ROME, on DVD!!!!!!!!

Wow. My eyes are bleeding... and I just came in my pants!

An Equation to Contemplate

2006-08-22T15:38:00.000-07:00

you + hunger + LA traffic -----> HOMICIDAL MANIAC